Knowing You

Lord, thank you for stirring something in my heart that yearns to know you deeply. This year has been a blessing, you've protected, grown and healed me in many ways. As I look ahead into the future, search my heart for anything that is not of you. I understand from your word that marriage is not our reason for being here, there is a greater work taking place that I've not desperately sought to hear from you. Just as I want to surrender my life again to you, I am stopped by the fear of having to do or lose something I don't want to.

I fear that I've fallen in love a little too much with the world yet I find peace in your presence. I'm never going to be ready for my purpose here on earth but I trust you and I believe that you're doing something in me. I am here to obey and follow you Lord because my way makes sense to the world but it is slowly losing its power over me. I want to consistently seek you even when I don't feel like it and I want my relationship with her to grow beyond the altar. 

1 Goal A Day

After an unproductive week, I decided to take control of the 'spiral south' my life was heading towards, by setting myself a goal each day and of course ultimately, make myself feel better. I started with the simplest of goals; score a goal for my social club over the weekend, check. Next, edit photos from a recent holiday, check. Publish Wags'ed latest video on social media, check. All be it simple, what followed was a week of proud accomplishments for goals I had set. I realised that by setting a goal every day, I held myself accountable by the end of it. And as much as I love binge eating through Netflix, it never is quite the same without putting in a good shift of 'good-old' hard work to greater enhance the experience on the coach. Finish writing latest blog post, check. 

A GOAL in Stadium Merdeka

I never thought that playing in Stadium Merdeka would have felt so special. However as our coach reminded us of the history that stood beneath our feet, a feeling of awe and privilege flooded my body. Lining up against a good footballing side, I was confident I would have a positive impact on the game. However, after an early burst into the opponents half that should have been buried by my teammate, I played more wayward balls, than accurate ones. Despite it being a friendly game of three half's, the game was played at an intense pace and aggression. The end of the first first half approached and was I glad. Nicely poised at nil-nil, my coached subbed me off. It was the right call as I was not providing an outlet for the team. The second half commenced and I realised that I had to take off by Grab for an outdoor work shoot. I told my coach, and to my surprise he told me to go on for a few minutes before I left. It was great time to come on as we just took the lead through a neat finish by our young striker. I remember my teammates not being to happy to see me come on after my first half performance but I shrugged it off and tried to have an impact on the game. Playing on the left, the ball was on the right side of midfield when I came infield in the hope of getting on the end of a cutback only to have the defender intercept the ball. However, he loss the ball and some how trickled its way to my path. I took one touch to get it out of my feet and took a snap shot from the edge of the box. I was on the ground and saw the ball nestle in the far corner. GOAL! I went on to celebrate with my teammates and thanked my coach on the sidelines for his continued belief in my ability. Boosted by the goal, I went on the end the half on a high with some brilliant inter-play and runs down the left flank. We went on to win the 3-2 and I would go on to cherish that moment for the rest of my life. 

Ipoh

Every time I go back to my hometown, I realise how much of a visitor I really am. Never once at home, my hometown has always been estranged to me. Having lived there for the first 4 years of my life, I wish it would feel more of a home to me than it does. Having said that, as I increase the frequency of my visits, it is starting to feel more familiar, and with familiarity comes comfort. The sight of the huge brown mountains that make up this quiet yet beautiful city, used to signify everything I was afraid of facing. But today, it brings a smile to my face as I know draw solace from the knowledge that Ipoh will always be the place that I'm from.

The Mirror

He opened his bag as the people of the village stood in excitement. He took our the mirror that was wrapped in a woolen cloth and placed it on the podium. The people of village started to adjust their hair and look at each other in excitement. Kabi shouts out loudly, 'Long have we waited to see our face, long have yearned to appreciate our features. Today, the wait is over' He unwraps the woolen cloth on the giant mirror and turns to the his village men and women. They shout and cheer in excitement as Kabi raises his hands and wears a beaming smile. As the celebrations continue, a woman from the crowd of people walks up to the mirror with her simply in awe of its beauty as she draws closer. The village people start to notice her and the celebration slows down. Looking at herself for the first time, she sheds a tear in joy and places her left hand on her own reflection only to see the mirror break into a million pieces.

Persuaded

"Come la Deyh, for a while only", some persuasive techniques are so ingrained in our method of speech that it's almost impossible to refuse. Then again, how much of it is actually persuasion? The joy of making someone happy through words or actions is a kind of satisfaction that uplifts one's spirit, continuing to prove that most good deeds are, in fact, selfish. However, there is a limit to how much one can give in to another's persuasion without losing their sense of right in the process. Given that ultimately the choice lies with the one being 'persuaded', the 'persuader' is like a cancer; you don't know it's 'killing' you until it's too late. But unlike cancer, one has a choice when it comes to allowing this malevolent compulsion breed in one's subconscious. Subtly self-destructive, the 'persuaded' is left victimized all in the while thinking he or she has no real choice. Far from the truth, as the 'persuader' only opens the door in his or hers act of 'persuasion', leaving the one being persuaded psychologically coaxed into walking through, not because they want to, but because it would be harder to refuse. So if you find yourself saying yes to doing things you would rather not do, be mindful that only you can turn it around by putting your foot down.

Doing nothing is not always a bad thing

Eating, sleeping and eating again can be quite addictive and blissful, however, it is somehow rather considered boring, unproductive and to some, a luxury. Just eating with no real exertion has the ability to transform happiness into a coma of sadness. Sleep, oh sleep... how I love the way you lie. When overdone, the peaceful serenity we require every day can easily become a state of destruction. Suddenly, not only will we find ourselves even more tired than before we slept, but also weakened by sleep's deception. How is doing nothing but bingeing all day anything but bad for one? Well, like all things, if moderation is achieved, everything bodes well. 'Doing nothing', has freedom attached to it and therefore being allowed to practice it, is exhilarating. Simple as it may sound, none of us really get to do what we want, when we want, as our commitments and responsibilities take up most of our time in a day. But by indulging in this act of freedom, we fuel ourselves both mentally and physically to go through the dreary routine of everyday life.

You're Our Star Man

To actually hear Steve McMahon say those very words sent shivers down my spine. I never knew how much television could actually make me know people I never met before until I saw them in person. It was like meeting someone you’ve known for years yet it is their first time meeting you.

Million Dollar Feet was a tournament for boys and girls between the ages of eleven to fourteen, creating a chance for the young generation of football enthusiasts to make it ‘Big Time’. Where did I fit in all this? Well, usually before a ‘final showdown’ there is an opening ceremony of some sort, in this case it was a ‘Celebrity Football Match’ that allowed two lucky students from BAC and IACT College to be a part of, through an online slogan competition. Not expecting to win, I casually took part in the competition and the rest as they as is history.

October 23^rd, 2016 was to be the day I would see faces I had only known through television. Excited, I was told to be at Royal Selangor Club by 1.30pm, but I arrived an hour early. As I walked through the place with time to spare, I recognized several faces and to my disbelief, they appeared exactly the same apart from Steve and Patrick looking rather pinkish under the sun. Kicking things off with his usual swagger as a host, Patrick welcomed the guests of honour to give their speech one by one. Saving the best for last, Steve McMahon came up and said something I will never forget, “I wasn’t the best of players, I made myself a player”.

With the sun shining brighter, everyone gathered around the pitch to catch the celebrities in action and I was one of them. Of course I wasn’t a celebrity or anyone notable for that matter, but by the end of the game I felt like one. With only thirty minutes to do what I do best, I knew I had to make my presence felt and with that in mind I seized every opportunity that came my way firing five shots with two of them hitting the back of the net.

By the end of the first half itself, Steve McMahon gathered us in a huddle and singled me out as his team’s star man. I could hardly believe what I heard but as I look back at all the years I spent sitting in front of the television watching him and the rest of the football pundits on show, I know I’ve realized a dream

Wags'ed

What started out as a spontaneous attempt to record a funny incident, turned into a full blown YouTube channel. College students, five of my friends and I loved acting and making jokes. One day we just decided to hit the record button and see what we could do. Little did we know that there was so much we could learn from the whole process of ‘before, during and after’ recording a video. Through trial and error we started to make short videos that varied at length ranging from 2-4 minutes each, based on our shared comical experiences. 

Now in its 2^nd season, two of our close friends have also joined in our little ‘Wags’ed family’, making the eight of us stronger than ever. The question still remains though, why Wags’ed? Well, eight years ago my dog Wags went missing. Wags was such a big part of my life that when he disappeared it changed me. From then on, I decided that in everything that I do, I would put his name in it as a way of acknowledging his impact on my life. Therefore, Wags’ed was named after my dog, and every form of creative expression I produce is a reflection of the person Wags helped me become. 

Lana

Before I had you, I never thought I could love something so deeply that I would actually forgo my needs for yours. With just a pat on your mom's head, you found a home. Had I known your momma was carrying you, I would have probably not been so welcoming. As it turns out, ignorance paid off for a change and before long, you were born. One of four siblings, I'm surprised you didn't crawl your way out sooner. Sharing rashes with all four of your ex roommates, the only thing different about you were your eyes. Grey with a hint of brown, they screamed 'I am for you', leaving me no longer spoilt for choice.

Having separated you from your brothers and sisters, I couldn't help myself but shower you with comforts that even some of us don't get to enjoy. You were difficult at times, with your need for attention invading my need for space. Although I tried to find time for myself, I could always see your tail at the corner of my eye. Never too far away, you were almost in every frame of my life. From scratching the foot of my sofa while I watched TV, to simply lazing around the porch just to stay within eye shot when I swept the veranda.

I remember once I was doing my assignment in the porch with my friend and I was feeling so lost and stressed, that I started to get a little angry, when out of nowhere you jumped on my lap. Frustrated as I was, it all went away the moment you purred into my eyes.

Your constant vigilance helped keep all sorts of pests in and around the house at bay. In many ways, you were like the roommate I never had, tickling my nose with your tiny paw just to get me out of bed for my much dreaded 8 am classes. Never one to admit that he had a thing for cats, even my dad grew fond of you soon after. I’m not sure how, but you ‘scratched’ your way into his heart and brought my family closer together.  

Sadly the old adage was true, as it all came to an end. Tuesday afternoon, 20^th September 2016 will forever be etched in my memory. Come to think of it, why are we able to remember exactly what hurt us but not remember what brought us joy to the point of change? Nevertheless, had I known it was the last day I would see your face; I would have turned the TV off and stroked your chin till you purred in your sleep. As it turned out, I was shovelling the last piece of sand over the ground in which I laid you to rest, pleading with God to offer you solace and that if you were to be born again, you would have a much better life and not suffer a similar fate. Nine lives they say, well you changed mine in just one. 

About Me

Hi, I’m Shashi from Ipoh, Perak and I’m 26 years old. Yes, that’s true. Having been clueless for the most part after high school I only had two things on my mind; dogs and football. Shaping my life, left, right and center I had found my passion while in school yet I was lost. 5 years after leaving my school life prematurely, I joined college and everything changed. Not because it was cool or because I had friends, rather the mode of learning was not one way which enabled me to find myself as a person. From then on I never looked back, taking everything by my stride. Today, I’m in my 2^nd year of degree in IACT College pursuing my studies in the field of Media and although my life of isolation and misdirection is behind me, it remains a place I draw strength from. Not to mention the 5 years of ‘extra sleep’ I gained in solitude is the added fuel in my tank that keeps me energized. 

About a boy

A blinding flash of light is all I see; I can barely open my eyes as I feel the cold grasp of human touch. It’s all a little too much; I’m excited and terrified at the same time.  I can’t seem to understand where I am as I slowly hear a distinct voice, “Thank you” I don’t know what I’m hearing or what is happening but I know I can never go back  to my world.

Soon after, a familiar face is all I see and come to love. It’s strange, I felt safer and comfortable before but now, love is breathing new life into me.  There is so much I want to do, but I’m confined to a pattern I’m powerless to change. What I knew, I thought to be everything, is now something, I know is just the beginning.

Gradually my surroundings start to change, uncertainty lingers but I’m comforted by the familiar face that warms my soul. The need to do things fast starts to exude itself and once I felt the feeling of the wind on my face, I never put on a slipper again.  I begin to see new faces continually and to my horror, they become familiar to me.

One of them even follows me home every now and again, I don’t like it. Having to share what was all mine is something I can never get used to. Despite this new found frustration, I find peace when I’m in the arms of her gentle and strong hands. Every time she speaks to me, the look in her eyes erases all my fears.

Even though I’m no longer in my former world of darkness, I realize that I’m able to visit it the minute I close my eyes. I wonder how I could have lived in that world as now, it scares me. Colours intrigue me and a desire to understand what I don’t, fuels my mind. Every answer I receive creates a new question I want to understand.

Being able to do what I want when I want to, seems a distant memory. Conditioned to a routine that I myself must initiate sees me stumble at every attempt. I start to go against the familiar face I love just so I can do what I want. Why should I have to do anything that doesn’t make me happy? It’s only fair.

Thinking I knew it all, I was walking on thin ice. My inevitable fall, made me realize that my will and doom go hand in hand. As I grow older, I understand my attitude then, didn’t just belong to me, as happiness may be a man’s ultimate prize but it will always be a boy’s only will.

Are Men Better Leaders Than Women?

It’s understandable that whenever most of us think of a leader, a male figure comes to mind. Maybe it’s because the world we have been living in, is and has been blessed with an array of inspiring leaders that fall under the male category. But truth be told, women are also right up there amongst the 'Obama’s' of this world when it comes to leadership. The question is who is better at it?

I would presume that if the overwhelming odds end up favouring men, women would label society as sexist and if the tables were turned, men would be in deep denial. But putting aside their own gender defence, both men and women are equally in line to believe that they are superior from each other, leadership wise.

My stance is that men and women are equally competent at leadership. The conventional believe however, is that men are physically stronger as back in the stone age, men hunted and protected women from danger, which meant they were required to be the decision makers. This sad fact, caused women to believe men were better in every aspect, when in truth they were just physically stronger at most.

This goes to show, that we perceive those who stand alone to make decisions for others with 'tremendous respect'. Given this historical aspect, men seem to have had an advantage, while women have been overlooked.

The likes of Indira Gandhi (the first female Prime Minister of India) or Margaret Thatcher aka the Iron Lady (the British politician and former Prime Minister of the U.K.) are one of the many women that made it through the biased time to prove that they were equally capable or better at leadership. They do in fact have a much better sense of weighing the options compared to men.

Most men are possessive and rigid when it comes to what they believe in. Rarely do they even consider another’s opinion or alternative as they have this sense of 'I know what I’m doing', which is confident yes, but not the wisest move. That is not to say women are spotless, but in the end it is a generalization.

Men and women should not be conformed to gender specification, as the saying goes, 'women can play football, men can cook'. Of course it would be a whole lot easier if we could say that men are better leaders because of so and so, or women are better leaders because of this and that.

But we humans are different. There are no two men that are alike and vice versa. So unless all men are the same or all women are the same, there is no possible way to generalize who’s better at anything, let alone leadership.

A Million Dollar Coin

Nadia was a girl who believed in, well, believed in nothing at all. She lived with Marco, her pet mongrel in a rented apartment nearby aSubway station. Nadia’s perception of life was negative as she was an orphan who spent her entire childhood hoping that someone would adopt her. As you can imagine, no one ever did and Nadia grew up never hoping for anything again.

A journalist in a city full of crime and corruption, Nadia struggled her way up through many channels, most of which were not ethical but she did eventually make it. Jerald was Nadia’s best friend, however, their friendship somewhat dispersed due to their individualism, 2 years became 3 and they have yet to speak, let alone see each other.

Although life seemed cruel on her, Nadia never felt sorry for herself. However, she did not know how to deal with her disappointments which often led to her being depressed and isolating herself. Nevertheless, she thought she was living a rather happy life until a rainy afternoon in December, changed her life forever.

Coming out of her office, Nadia realized she had left her umbrella on her desk. She chooses to take the stairs up back to her office and whilst running down the steps with her umbrella in hand, she drops her hand bag, and screams in exasperation, “Really!” as she sits on the steps and sobs silently.

Being a pessimist, Nadia had a negative outlook even towards trivial matters. As she picked herself up to leave the office, Nadia chanced upon a coin near the staircase that looked unusual and picked it up, wondering who could have dropped it. As she put the coin into her pocket, she thought to herself, “What am I doing? It’s a dirty worthless coin, arrrghhh”

She decides at that split second to dispose of it, only to notice a vagabond outside of her office with an empty white paper cup. He looked strangely young and clean to be a vagabond. After a short pause, Nadia throws the coin into the cup and walks off with her umbrella in the rain.

Whilst riding the bus home, the day slowly becomes night, and Nadia is left pondering on her life. “Am I really happy?” She asks herself, putting her hands into her jacket pocket as the night got cold, only to realize the same coin she threw away, in her pocket. “What the hell?” She murmurs softly and tries recalling how she could have gotten this strange coin back after deliberately throwing it away.

She then shrugs off the thought, assuming she had actually not thrown the coin into the white paper cup after all. The next day, Nadia gets ready to go to work as usual when someone knocks on her door. Wondering who it maybe, Nadia opens a peep hole and sees no one. Bemused, Nadia is not one to easily get alarmed, so she immediately opens the door to find a brown package at her doorstep.

The package read,“Dear Mr Kumar, this is specially for you”. Shocked and a little creeped out, Nadia knows who the package is for, her former best friend Jerald Kumar whom she had not seen or spoken to for 3 years. She immediately grabs the package and leaves her apartment straight for work.

Her colleagues notice something different about Nadia as she passes by them, and continue to stare at her throughout the day. A midst her reporting duty, Nadia cannot stop thinking about the package she had left in her car and just about makes it through the day, with near misses in her job everywhere.

On her way home, Nadia decides to take a chance and send the package herself to Jerald’s house, in hope that he might be still living in the same place. Pitch dark with no street lights, Nadia’s reaches Jerald’s home. Dead silent, the sound of her car’s engine appears to be able wake up the whole neighbourhood.

8:01 pm it is, as Nadia glances at her watch to check the time. Anxious, she starts to feel how weird it is for her to visit a guy she had not met for 3 years at this hour. Embarrassed, Nadia decides to just leave the package by the door and leave.

Whilst doing so, Nadia reminiscence the time when Jerald and her were inseparable. From the very first time they shared a meal together in the canteen of their orphanage home, road tripping after they graduated, getting stuck in the rain waiting for a bus to the last time they shook hands and went their separate ways.

Overwhelmed by emotion, Nadia shed a tear and just as she was about to leave, a familiar voice called out to her, “Nadia?” Stunned and a little embarrassed, she races to her car trying to avoid a confrontation. Jerald goes after Nadia and holds her hand saying, “Hey? Why are you running away?” Unable to control her tears, Nadia says, “Sorry”, softly with her back facing him and darts back into her car. 

Confused, Jerald walks back into his house and opens the mysterious brown package left at his doorstep. It was so tightly wrapped; Jerald had to use his pocket knife to open it. As he cut of the wrapper, he shook the box. It felt unusually light and he could hear something tiny inside as he kept shaking it. Intrigued, he opens the box to find a silver coin.

The next day, Nadia awakens to Marco licking her face. She yawns and stretches her body as Marco jumps off her bed and starts wining strangely. Disturbed by Marco’s unusual behaviour, Nadia decides to take Marco out for a walk. Drizzling, Nadia regrets taking Marco out when suddenly; she is approached from the back by someone.

“Don’t freak out, it’s just me” “Whaat? Jerald! What are you doing here?” “I had to see you. Why did you leave like that?” “Well I was embarrassed; I was a mess and you looked sooo...” “Sooo..?” “Good” Blushing, Jerald starts playing with Marco and says, “Let’s have breakfast!”

Unable to resist spending more time with him, Nadia smiles in agreement. They tie Marco outside a nearby coffee shop and enter not knowing they would both come out of there changed men and women. Whilst eating, Nadia remembers of the strange package she left at Jerald’s doorstep and asks, “Owh Yea, what was in the package?” 

“Wait, I thought you sent it to me." “What? No. It was on my doorstep, so I delivered it to you” “What the hell? So who the hell sent me a coin? “Whaat?” “Yea, a silver coin, isn’t that weird?” “You have no idea. Wait I’ll show you”

And Nadia put her hand into her jacket pocket to show Jerald only to find nothing there. Surprised, she removes her jacket and does a thorough check. Unable to find it she asks Jerald to show her his coin. With a stunned expression painted all over her face, Jerald holds Nadia and says,

“Okay calm down, you’re all flustered. What happened? What is so special about this coin?” “Jerald, all this years I’ve wanted to say something to you but I’ve been to wrapped up in my world that I have forgotten what is important in life.” “What is important in life?” With a smile Nadia stares at Jerald and says, “You”

-THE END-

Sit or Swing?

"Run.... deyh, run! Was pretty much what I heard every evening. Colour and grass was my frame, growing up in front of a playground. Be it praying for rain, just so the slide would turn into a lagoon ride or hoping, "5 more minutes ma" becomes an hour, the playground was where I found peace.

From the see-saw, to the twisted coloured slide and the monkey bars, there was something about them being placed on green grass that made it a haven of a play-pin. Add the "Swing" to the grass, and you have a "playground".

Nowadays coloured, was just a brown, faded piece of wood, attached to two long chains from the side that is hung from a horizontal bar, is the highlight of an otherwise colourful field. Close your eyes and try to imagine a playground without a swing?

The "Swing" is the simplest piece of machinery that draws the young and the old to the playground. The young usually jump in for a roller coaster "swing", measuring their level of competency with children their age. The old, walk in the playground and choose to "sit" on the swing, sometimes for hours. Usually to spy on their little ones, the playground has become a place to think for them as well.

Be it "sit" or "swing", the swing has an unconscious effect on us, regardless of our age. So next time you find yourself in a playground, "sit" or "swing" yourself, either way you are spellbound. 

Shashi@Wags